大学英语笑话故事

1、 "guns buried in the garden an old man lived alone in northern ireland. his only son was in prison. the old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden. he wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "for heavens sake, don't dig up that garden, that's where i buried the guns!" at 4 am the next morning, a dozen british soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. his son's reply was: "just plant your potatoes."一个老人独居在北爱尔兰，他的独生子正在坐牢。老人想在花园里种些土豆，但不知道谁可以帮忙把泥土翻松。他写信想儿子提及此事，儿子回信说道：“看在上帝的面上，千万不要翻松花园的泥土，我把枪埋在那儿了。”第二天凌晨4点，一队英国士兵出现在老人家中，在花园把土地翻遍，但并没有找到任何。” 老人写信告诉儿子这件奇怪的事情，问到底发" 生了什么事情，下 一步应 该怎 么 做。 儿子回信 道：“ 你 只管 种土 豆好 了。”

2、 "an instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "anyone knows the formula for water?""sure. that's easy," said one man."what is it?""h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o.""what, what?" reasked the instructor."h to o," explained the chemistry expert.生化战争课的老师在课堂上问士兵们：“谁知道水的分子式？”“当然，太简单了。”一个士兵回答道。“是什么？”“h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o.”“什么，什么？”老师又问道。“h to o，”化学专家解释道。"

3、 "frog the science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "now i'll show you this frog in my pocket." he then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. he looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "that's funny. i distinctly remember eating my lunch."老师正在给学生上生物课：“现在，我将要给你们看我袋子里的这只青蛙。”接着，他把手伸进口袋，却拿出了一份鸡肉三文治。老师满脸困惑地看了一眼，沉思了一会儿，说道：“真奇怪。我明明记得我已经把午饭吃掉了。”"

4、 "after being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.when he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "i have some bad news. my grandfather just died.""thank heavens," his date replied. "if yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"和盲约对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”"

5、 "a lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the caribbean. the lawyer said, "i'm here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything.""that's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "i'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."the lawyer looked somewhat confused. "how do you start a flood?" he asked.一个律师与一个工程师在加勒比海边钓鱼。律师说：“我到这里是因为我的房子被大火烧了，保险公司赔偿了我所有的损失。”“这太巧了，”工程师说，“我是因为房子被洪水冲垮了，保险公司也赔偿了所有的损失。”律师看起来有些困惑，“你是怎么引起洪水的？”他不解的问。"

6、 the indian who could foretell the weather two men were travelling in a very wild and lonely part of america． for days they had not even seen a house， only a few huts made of wood， or tents made of skins． then one day they met an old indian who earned his living by trapping animals for heir fur． they found that he knew their language and they had a little conversation with him． one of them asked him if he could tell them what the weather would be like within the next few days． “oh yes，”he said．“rain is coming， and wind．then there will be snow for two days， but after that there will be bright sunshine．” “is n't that wonderful？” said one man to his friend．“these old indians know more of the secrets of nature than we do with all our science． they have not been spoiled by civilization．” then he turned to the old indian． “tell me，”he said，“how you knew all that．” the indian replied，“i heard it on the radio．”有两个人在美洲一个非 常荒凉偏僻的地区 旅行。 好多 天 来， 他们连所 房子也 没看 到， 只看 见几 个木棚子和皮帐篷。一天，他们遇到一个靠猎取兽皮谋生的印第安老人。他们发现他懂得他们的语言，就和他聊了一会儿。其中一个人问他，能否告知近几天的天气如何。 “哦，行啊”，他说。“就要下雨了，还要刮风。接着还得下两天雪。这以后，就是大晴天了。” “这不是太神奇了吗？”一个旅行者对他的朋友说。“这些印第安老人深知大自然的秘密，比我们有科学知识的人知道的还多。他们并没有被现代文明所迷惑。”接着他转向印第安老人： “请问，”他说，“你是怎么知道这一切的呢？” 印第安老人答道：“我是从无线电里听来的。”

7、 "bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. he likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.one day on his way to school bill passed a fruit store. there was a sign in the window which said, "apple-six for five cents." an idea came to bill and he went into the store. "how much are the apples?" he asked the store."six for five cents." "but i don't want six apples." "how many apples do you want?" "it is not a question of how many apples i want. it is a problem in arithmetic." "what do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man."well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. i only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay" you."bill picked out a goo "d apple," began to eat "it," and walked happily out of the store. the man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word.比尔是一个好学生，也是个聪明的孩子。他喜欢学数学，课本上所有的数学问题他都能不费劲地解答。有一天，在上学路上，比尔经过一家水果店。该店窗户上有个招牌上写着：“苹果--五美分六个。”比尔脑筋一转，进了店门。 “苹果怎么卖？” “五美分六个。” “但我不想要六个。” “你想要几个？” “这不是我想要几个的问题。这是个数学问题。” “数学问题？你说这话是什么意思？”“你看，如果六个苹果五美分，那么五个苹果四美分，四个苹果三美分，三个苹果二美分，二个苹果一美分，一个苹果就不要钱。我只要一个苹果，如果一个苹果一分钱也不要的话，那我也就没必要给你钱了。”比尔拣了一个好苹果，开始吃了起来，然后兴高采烈地迈出了店门。那个售货员吃惊地望着这个小男孩，一句话也说不出来。

8、 "i complimented one of my co-workers on having lost ten pounds. however, i couldn't resist bragging that when i was 17, 1 weighed 225 pounds and today i tip the scales at 224. 1 added, "that's not bad for a man of my age." overhearing this, a woman remarked, "you mean to say it took you all this time to lose one pound?"我称赞我的一个同事减肥10磅。可是，我禁不住夸耀说我17岁时，体重225磅，而目前体重是224磅。我还说：“这对我这样年龄的男子来说，是不错的。” 一个女子听到了这些话，她说道：“你是说你花了这么长时间才减了1磅？”"

9、 ""doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "i want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."he surveyed her from head to foot. "madam," he said at length, "i've just three things to tell you. first, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. and third, i'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”"

10、 "not long after an old chinese woman came back to china from her visit to her daughter in the states, she went to a city bank to deposit the us dollars her daughter gave her. at the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. it made the old lady out of patience.at last she could not hold any more, uttering. "trust me, sir, and trust the money. they are real us dollars. they are directly from america."一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”"